Funny Slot Machine Jokes
Following is our collection of settings puns and machine one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Machines jokes for adults, dirty humorless jokes and clean vending machine dad gags for kids. The Best Machines Puns. Confucius jokes have next to nothing to do with the great Chinese thinker and social philosopher Confucius. Well, let's just say that the funny 'Confucius say' jokes are about everything else but morality, correctness, justice, and sincerity - serious subjects which occupied the real Confucius quite a lot.
“What did the dealer say to the deck of cards” and many other classic jokes and puns in the world of online gambling, right here, on bestonlinecasino.com. We all enjoy a good laugh and, though playing for real money is no laughing matter, we decided to delight our readers with some of the most hilarious jokes and puns that we could find. This is also a collection that we intend on growing, so make sure to check back regularly for the latest gambling jokes.
All-in in the kitchen
A group of men are playing poker when one is warned that his friend is making love to his wife in the kitchen. All the man wants to know is whether or not he’s all-in.
A man wants to play poker with his wife
A man wants to play poker with his wife because he knows she’s not any good at it, and wants his money back. The wife protests: “but I don’t know how to play poker.”
Bet on everything
In Las Vegas they let you bet on anything. You can even bet if you’re going to win or lose in the casino.
Betting her age
A woman faints when she bets her age and a much higher number comes up, making her feel VERY old.
Betting in Tibet
Two women are having a conversation about a husband who’s planning a trip to Tibet. The woman tells her he goes there because it has ‘bet’ in the name.
Betty the Race Horse
A wife busts her husband for saying his race horse is called Betty, when actually it’s the name of his mistress.
Blonde playing pop machine
A hot blonde woman plays the pop machine and thinks she is winning.
Blonds playing bingo
Blonds are waiting for the number free space to have bingo.
Break even
A man goes to the casino and hope he breaks even, because he really needs the money.
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Bring your own chips
A woman puts down frozen French fries on the casino table, as she was told to bring her own (casino)chips.
Broken slot machine
The slot machine is tingling and a blond woman doesn’t realize that she’s just won the jackpot. Instead of that she thinks the machine is broken.
Can’t deal with you
What does a blackjackdealer say to the deck of cards? I can’t deal with you anymore.
Casino chips versus potato chips
A woman is munching on casino chips at a casino table. She tells her friend that she wonders how long they’ve been there, as they’re very hard.
Casino don’t N⁰1: lucky dice
Casino don’t number 1: don’t ask the croupier if you can use your lucky dice when you are playing craps.
Casino don’t #2: counting cards
Casino don’t #2:Don’t bother counting cards with your fingers.
Casino don’t #3: card tricks
Casino don’t #3: don’t ask the blackjack dealer if she knows any good card tricks.
Casino don’t #4: Caribbean stud poker
Casino don’t #4: Don’t wear a Jamaican wig while playing Caribbean poker.
Casino don’t #5: French wheel
Casino don’t N⁰ 5: Don’t ask the Roulette guy if the French wheel was imported.
Casino don’t #6: cheering at your racehorse
Casino don’t N⁰6: Don’t stand up and cheer on your horse at the horse racing game in the casino.
Casino don’t #7: Don’t put your dinner plate on the roulette table
A man puts his plate down on the roulette table, believing he sees a table where he can eat.
Cheating with poker
A player says the other player is cheating, because he knows that those aren’t the cards that he gave.
Conjoined twins at the casino
A man bumps into a pair of conjoined twins at the casino and asks them if they’ve won. The twins reply: “yes and no”.
The difference between a casino and a church
The difference between praying in a church and praying in a casino is that in a casino you really mean it.
Doctor playing poker
The wife thinks that her husband needs to go to a serious surgery, because there are already 3 other doctors, but he is just going to play poker
Dog playing poker
A dog is playing poker, but reveals his good hand by wagging his tail.
Eating Dice
Two craps dealers are enjoying pudding filled with dice in a restaurant.
The ex winning the jackpot
A man receives a text message from his ex who wants to get back together after winning the lottery.
Favorite song of a poker dealer
A poker dealer who’s doing a dance move from the music video of ‘Everyday I’m shuffling’, while he’s shuffling cards behind his poker table.
High stakes
When an older man sees a vampire walk into a casino he asks: Why do vampires play poker? The other man points to the sign above the entrance, which says ‘High stakes’.
Just looking around
A blind man at a poker table uses his dog to look around the table.
Leaving with a Fortune
A man asks another man why Las Vegas is called the city of fortune. He shows the nickels in his pockets and tells him you have to gamble a big fortune to win at least something.
Looking for blackjack
A woman is looking for blackjack at the casino and asks a coloured man if he’s blackjack.
Losing with mobile poker
A man asks his friend how he managed to lose money playing poker on his mobile phone. He tells him he called himself by mistake.
Lost my wife
A man walks up to a woman and asks if he can stand with her, because his wife always appears when he’s talking to a beautiful woman.
Marriage bet
A man bets that his girlfriend wouldn’t marry him, and she raises him with five.
Money changing machine
A man is happy because he thinks that the money changing machine is a gambling machine.
Monkeys playing dice for peanuts
Monkey’s are gambling and a woman wants the guard to stop it, but the monkeys are keeping within the law, they’re only playing for peanuts.
Naked woman winning
A naked woman is distracting the two dealers at the craps table.
Odds to play strip poker
A blackjack player asking the stunning dealer what the odds are she is going to play strip poker instead of blackjack.
Playing aces slowly
A man asks a blonde woman why she is taken so long to play her poker hand. She answers that she is playing, but she wants to play her aces slowly.
Poker don’t N⁰1: card tricks
Never perform card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Praying for the lottery
A man prays to god to help him win the lottery, but god asks him to first buy a lottery ticket.
Safe combination
A blonde woman has won a lot of chips. She tells her friend that she will keep the chips in her vault. The combination for the safe is all 5s, but she won’t say which order they’re in.
Spending too much time in an online casino
That man’s spent so much time in an online casino, he thinks he can play for free in an real casino as well.
The craps table
A man takes the translation of craps table too literally.
The steaks are too high
A man walks into the butcher shop and wants to make a bet with the butcher about reaching a piece of beef that’s hanging. The butcher tells him he’ll not bet on that, because the steaks are too high.
Tipping the blackjack dealer
A blackjack dealer wants a tip like a waiter, but the player only gives a tip when the blackjack gives him what he orders, a Queen.
What happens when you don’t drink or gamble
A man wants a bum coming to his house to show to his wife what happens if a man doesn’t drink or gamble.
Why poker is like sex
Two men explain that you don’t need a partner at poker if you have a good hand, much like sex.
Wife going to Las Vegas
A women thinks to earn a lot of money with sex in Las Vegas, but the husband doesn’t think so.
Wife pays the rent
A wife is paying the rent with sex because the husband lost all the money with poker, but the husband doesn’t know that she does it a lot.
Winning the lottery
A man wins the lottery and want his wife to leave the house.
Bad beat
A man is crying after playing poker and other players are laughing at him. When he’ll play online poker he wouldn’t have to experience that.
Cheating
A tourist is taking a safari tour with an African guide through a national park and asks him why gambling is forbidden. The guide tells him that it’s because they have cheetahs.
Helping your wife at poker
A husband tries to help his wife at the poker table and tells her she needs to call. The blond woman misunderstands him and grabs her phone instead.
Lost everything at poker
A woman comes home from a poker game and enters the bedroom naked, with only her purse over her shoulder to seduce her husband. He thinks she lost everything at poker, even her clothes.
Playing poker without a clue
Two people are playing poker and both thinking they’re the best but they don’t know what they’re doing.
Telling the truth
A poker player displayed on the left and a politician displayed on the right.
Check out our collection of funny gambling jokes. We are sure they will make you laugh. If you have any gambling jokes as good, upload them at the bottom of this page.
1) I just bet £100 at the bookies that they would find Maddie, at 1000-1 odds. That way, if they ever do find her, I’ll be able to afford a fucking good lawyer.
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2) Chuck-E-Cheese, because it’s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling.
3) My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler. I’d do anything to win her back.
4) Poker is like sex – everyone thinks they’re the best, but most people don’t have a clue what they’re doing. Dutch Boyd
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5) What’s the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino? In a casino, you really mean it.
6) A blond girl playing freeroll was taking her time and playing very slow. The timer was started and she still could not take a decision how to play the hand. Her friend asked her with surprise, “What is going on? Why aren’t you playing?” The blond girl replied, “I am playing! I am just slow-playing aces!”
Check out some of the funniest Dumb Blonde Jokes ever
7) Why didn’t the elephant like to play cards in the jungle? Because there were too many cheetahs.
8) They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. My money’s on Dave.
Check out Really Funny Money Jokes
9) What did the giraffe say to the tiger at the poker table? I thought you were a cheetah.
10) What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog? In about ten years, the dog quits whining.
Check out Really Funny Animal Jokes
11) Whats the difference between online poker and live poker? You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you.
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12) Sign you might have a poker addiction: your kids are named check and raise.
13) I put a thousand pounds on a horse. The fucking thing collapsed.
Check out some of the best Horse Jokes ever published
14) Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.
15) “I am looking for the book named ‘How to win easily and fast with poker.'” “Please check at the fantastic literature counter.”
16. Husband Comes Home After Gambling
I came home from the pub four hours late last night.
“Where the fuck have you been?” screamed my wife.
I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”
“Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”
“So can you,” I said. “This isn’t our house anymore.”
17. Professional Gambler Screws Everyone In The Bar
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”
The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.”
The guy pulled out a huge wad of notes and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender.
“I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man.
The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?”
“Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy.
“Like what?” asked the bartender.
“Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.
The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,” said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
“Aw, you screwed me again!” protested the bartender.
“That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,” said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whisky bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Okay, you’re on,” he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whisky bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!”
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The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”
Check out our awesome collection of Walks Into A Bar Jokes
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Related Links: 1. Gambling Jokes from Sickipedia.org 2. Gambling Jokes from Jokes4us.com